Friday, September 27, 2013

The Truth Is ...

Hey! You've probably noticed for the last couple months I've been blogging a bit less. It's because of my books. Both of them.

I thought I had given up trying to write fiction. I broke my ass writing two novels that I loved and like 99.9% of most books published (and I'm not kidding about that stat), they, ahem,  kind of underperformed. ;) I'm a pussy, I'll admit. It broke my heart. After a life of dreaming about being a novelist, I thought my fiction career was behind me.

But then an idea came to me, in a dream - the first time something like that's happened. It wasn't a complete story or world, but when I woke up, I wrote down what I could remember and I knew it was my next book. The story has inflamed me like nothing I've worked on - fiction-wise - in years. The characters, the location, the idea, the scope, the fun, the sex, the violence, the gritty main chick coming to terms with her destiny. Sometimes it's a mind-bend to work on, but I just love it. It reminds me of why I wanted to be a novelist in the first place, typing away on my used Underwood when I was a kid.

Although I've been interested in self-help books all my life, it's only in the last few years that I considered writing one myself. The book is soooo close to being finished. It's a tough one to complete because more information about addiction keeps coming out every day and I want to keep the book as up to date as possible. Because I'm 100% confident that it's going to help many people who, like me, were on the brink of losing everything important to them - from their loved ones to their health to their sanity.

I honestly believe in my soul that cleansing works to curb alcohol addiction. 2+2. Two cleanse days a week, two cleanse months a year. I feel the system working. I feel myself staying in control - more than ten years after my first cleanse. While still enjoying drinking (tremendously actually!). I believe regular cleansing works not only with my body - but with life. So there's a part of me now that has branched out from that little girl who wanted to be a novelist. My personality as a writer has split in two.

I want to write fiction - at least this story. And I want to write non-fiction - at least about cleansing.

So I'm at a crossroads. I really am. I feel myself not being able to work as effectively on anything because I'm juggling everything at once. I think I've been doing a decent job of it so far and it's all been straight in my head. More or less.

But I'm a stone's throw away from finishing the first draft of the novel - and the final draft of the cleanse book. Which means it seems every day that goes by, there's less room in my brain to be a worthwhile, consistent blogger. I love to blog! I really do! I love the connection, I love the research, I love the writing. But I'm not the world's fastest blogger. It can take me hours to write a single post. I edit and re-edit and re-edit everything I write, I always have. And it's the same with my blog.

I envy those people who have real skill at blogging. Not only tossing off a brilliant post at least once a day, but tweeting and promoting and writing other books and raising children and walking their dogs and having cool careers - while Instagram-ing pics of the gourmet meals they whip up in fifteen minutes every night. I honestly wish I was like that. (Who doesn't?) But I'm not.

So as lame as I think it is when bloggers come online and confess: "Hey, I'm gonna be really busy right now, so buh-bye" - and I do think it's lame and weak and clearly means a person isn't meant to blog (okay, not really), that's what I'm doing. On a temporary basis, at least. Because the idea of giving up this blog - or the corresponding book - really breaks my heart. As much as I love fiction, I can no longer picture a happy life without this. Without you.

Anyway, I've got a 28-day cleanse coming up in October/November. Usually when I cleanse, I write more often and there are plenty of other cleanses on the blog to follow if you want. But the count might be down this time because I really, really, really want to finish both books as well as I can. So I might not be checking in as often. But I will when I absolutely must.

That might mean just saying hi or linking to an article or sharing a quick thought. Twitter would be really great for this, I know, and I admire people who are good at it. But right now, tweeting still feels like swallowing razor blades to me. I hope that will change, but that's the way it feels right now. And - as my husband says - what you do with your life should feel like "a natural extension of your heart." I love that. And I believe it. Because as low-tech as my blog is compared to the schmancy ones, it really does feel like a natural extension of my heart. I just won't be using that part of my heart to tell you about every Texan who can brew beer in his stomach for a little while. ;)  But that doesn't mean my interest in cleansing is fading - it means it's more important than ever.

If you're struggling with addiction, stay strong and do what you need to. You know in your heart what that is. It might mean cleansing - all the information you need is here and the book is on the way. Or it might mean counseling or A.A. Just know there is a brighter, easier, happier future out there - no matter how hard things feel right now. If you need to reach out, please contact me. I'm still here!

In the meantime, I want you to know, I'm thinking about you. I miss you. And I thank you!