So yesterday - a Friday - was a cleanse day for me cuz the hubs was out of town. So I made Thursday a drinking day.
A serious drinking day, apparently.
Um ... okay ... so it's not like I ended up in a drunk tank. Or even blacked out. But I was moseying back into the living room after dinner, topping up my red wine, when I saw how much in the bottle was gone.
I know the hubs didn't drink a lot of it - he was finishing off another bottle of red. And I'd already had a glass of white before dinner. In the old days, noticing that I'd had a lot to drink (and it was a lot more back then, btw), I'd be so full of guilt, shame, fear and anger that ... well, I'd just finish off everything that was left in the house. And hate myself for it in the morning.
But you know what I thought this time?
"Guess cleanse time is coming up!"
And it's true. I already mentioned my next 28-day cleanse starts some time after my birthday in October (I haven't set the day yet). But I swear to you, if I didn't take my regular cleanse days - and especially cleanse months - I'd be in serious trouble soon (i.e. I'd be spending Christmas Eve in that drunk tank).
But I know in my heart (and my brain and my liver) that the coming cleanse is going to re-set my whole system. And you know what? I'm actually looking forward to it. I feel my whole self moving toward it. Being drawn toward it actually. And actually wanting it. I'm not kidding. Imagine right now - if you're feeling worried about your drinking - knowing that you can get to a place where you actually want to take a break? Where you actually enjoy being sober and the different things it brings to life?
It's an amazing feeling because it takes the fear of the equation (and the guilt and the shame and the depression, etc.). Instead, I have this whole-body-knowledge that cleansing is good for me on every level - and that it works for me. So consciously and unconsciously ... I love it. And that's how I can look forward to a whole month of not drinking.
btw, despite the surprising amount of obviously low-%-alcohol wine (yeah, right!) I imbibed on Thursday, it wasn't so bad that I woke up with a hangover. I spaced the glasses out reasonably over the night. But still, I know where this increasing tolerance could lead. And it's a scary path - as anyone who's struggled with addiction knows.
I'm being totally honest about the changing nature of how much I can drink because I want you to see how the System works - both in terms of drinking and cleansing. Fun and responsibility. Freedom and structure. It's an intricate balance that just works with life.
On that note ... glad today's a drinking day! ;)